Written by Alyssa Jiosa 

March's theme is "Evolution: More than Mere Survival"

No, this doesn't mean once you become a Christian, you'll go from fish to monkey to human (or something fairly close, like the majority of the male volunteers and leaders in Launch).

Instead, this means you'll go from average to totally super amazingly fantastically awesome cool (plus, you'll be a lot happier). And that's not all! Join today and get a free ticket into Heaven, with the bonus of being loved by Jesus! To learn more, please go to www.Bible.com-ha ha just kidding... (but if you are seriously considering becoming a Christian, talk to a trusted adult or a Launch leader). 

Since part of this month's theme is survival, I thought I would include some tips on surviving middle school. Enjoy!

S - Size Up The Situation (Your condition, tools, surroundings)

U - Use All Your Senses, Undue Haste Makes Waste

R - Remember Where You Are

V - Vanquish Fear and Panic

I - Improvise

V - Value Living

A - Act Like the Natives

L - Live by your Wits, But for Now, Learn Basic Skills

How to make a fire:

Are you SERIOUS? Did you REALLY think I would tell a bunch of MIDDLE SCHOOLERS how to BURN DOWN THEIR OWN HOUSE? HA! HA!

(No, but seriously, all you need is a coke can, a bar of chocolate, and-oh, sorry, my lawyer says I can't say anything else).

How to Fight off a Bear When Attacked in Camping Tent (or Classroom):

Don't panic, run, or scream, but don't remain calm. Instead, fight back with everything you have. Don't lie still in your sleeping bag (or sit still at your desk). Don't play dead. Use the UDAP Bear Deterrent Pepper Spray. Make loud metallic noise. Use an air horn. Shine lights in the bear's eyes (specifically from your cell phone/ipod). Temporarily blind the bear with the flash of your camera (or number 2 pencil). Use any deterrent you brought with you (or eraser shavings). Unload on the bear with everything you have (including that leftover tuna/meatloaf/mystery/green meat sandwich Mom packed you for lunch. Just the smell could make it unconscious).

Anything goes. Use whatever physical resistance you can (like your textbooks. These make amazing weapons when used to slap the bear upside the head).

How to Navigate Around the Opry Mills Mall:

Use the sun! It rises in the east and sets in the west and is directly overhead at noon, so not only do you know what time it is, but also the direction you're going in! Genius, right? And no, unfortunately I didn't invent this concept.

Also, if you have a compass, remember: it always points to the best deals! Forget the theory that it always points north-it's fake, so that you spend regular price instead of clearance/sale price!

Or, if those things are not available, use the map or ask for directions from the nearest Native. And remember: DO NOT PANIC.